Take Any One You Want (Heart Container Quest and The Magical Sword)

Well, still not much info on the other Hearts. Although, I haven't played for a few days so I guess I can't be trusted to do much, and it's pretty selfish demanding people to help me when I should be able to do things like that on my own. So, sorry guys, for being a prick and for not playing as much as I should.

So, in light of this, so that you readers don't have to read about me getting my ass kicked EVERY SINGLE DAY, I found myself a map online that gives information on Heart locations based on screen coordinates alone. This means that I now know which screen each of the 3 last Overworld hearts are, but not their exact locations or how to find them. This makes it infinitely less annoying, but still pretty frustrating. It's also a lot easier on you, the readers, rather than reading about me being a clueless douche. Now, you can read about me being a CHEATING douche, which is better but still shitty. Meh, I'm a douche either way. So I say DEAL WITH IT.

Basically, the map I found is in text form. It has a grid with 3-letter notes in each grid square, 5 squares have the note 'HC' in them, meaning Heart Container. Comparing this to my full-printed map, and using the letter/number coordinates on the text map (M3, P3, H5, P6 and L8), the screens where the 5 Overworld hearts are revealed. Then, crossing out the screens where I've already found 2 hearts (apparently P3 and P6), I have my 3 screens: H5, M3 and L8. Today, I'm trekking across the world for these screens, and using EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW to find the Hearts. First of all, L8 (closest to the Starting Screen at only 4 screens East).

From the start to the East, 4 screens along, I come here:

The only possible hiding-places are in the walls. Fantastic. This means BOMBS. For those who remember, I DESPISE anything that requires bombs, because if you get it wrong, you've wasted an explosive. Luckily there's a shop that sells bombs 3 screens north and 2 screens west. I managed to get there whilst GAINING health, believe it or not (ignore the fact there was a Fairy Fountain on the way, I found 2 fairies from enemies before I reached it) and had a little over 20 Rupies to buy bombs. Only 4 though, so I'd better be pretty fucking lucky when I bomb these walls.

On the way back at the supposed hiding place of the 3rd Heart, one of the evil blue Santas gave me another set of bombs! I now have 8, more than enough to assault the perfectly horizontal walls lining the screen! I do, however, need to kill the disgustingly annoying Zora that hands around... that is, until one of the red sand things gives me a Magic Clock and the bastard is frozen underwater!

Bombing the walls. This is the tricky part. To save bombs, I'm trying to bomb the border between each tile of wall. The first two don't reveal anything, but the THIRD TILE from the left reveals a cave!!

(I actually pride myself on this screencap, with the flashing of the Magic Clock effect I still managed to catch Link's normal color)

Inside, an old man gives me a choice. A Red Potion or a Heart Container. OH NOES, SUCH A CHOICE! THE RED POTION GUARANTEES ME TWO HEALTH REFILLS, BUT THE HEART PERMANENTLY INCREASES MY-wait, thats fucking easy!

NEW HEART!!

Onto M3, 5 screens North and 1 East from here. I can go straight north without getting through any obstacles, so this shouldn't be too hard. On the way I refilled my bomb supply from a passing blue Santa and got hurt by a Tektite (bitch). Now that I'm here, I can asses the situation.

There are 38 squares where the cave could be. 3 next to the stairs, another 8 on the other side, 5 on the sides of that chunk of wall in the top corner, 6 on the top and bottom of the block in the middle, and 11 on the lower wall. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Well, the chunk in the middle is pretty conspicuous, and rooms you have to enter from the top only are sort of rare (at least I haven't found one yet), so the bottom of the chunk is the first place to look. Then the top, then the upper wall and the bottom wall. THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE SO MANY FUCKING BOMBS.

I can hit all 4 tiles with two bombs, one between the first two tiles and one between the last tw-FUCKING WIN!!!

FUCK YEAH, HEART CONTAINER CAVE!! TYSM, Old Man!

And now, the final Heart. H3. One screen below Dungeon 1. 4 screens West, 2 screens South and 1 West again. Avoiding Desert leeches, flying hats and octoroks (as well as those FUCKING Zoras), I run. And run. And arrive. Sweet! And the Zora appears at the shore, making it easy for my Sword Beam to totally fuck him up. DEATH AWAITS THEE, O WATERY BITCH.

So here I am. The screen of the Final Heart Container. And the only place it could possibly be is under one of those trees. Which I have to burn. ONE. AT. A. TIME. Dammit.

Starting from the side I came on, I begin to burn. One at a time, they don't reveal anything. And that FUCKING ZORA respawns whenever you re-enter the screen, so fuck him with a rusty dildo. One, two, three, four, FIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! FIVE! THERE IT IS!!

Inside, another pointless choice. Inside, another heart. INSIDE, THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE HEALTH I COULD BE AT THIS POINT IN THE GAME! 

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ahem* Right. Now that I've got all my hearts, I'm off to check the Graveyard. Remember the sword that I found in the graveyard but couldn't get? The one where I found out I needed 12 Hearts to weild? WELL 9 PLUS 3 EQUALS 12 SO FUCK YEAH!

*ahem, again* From the Lake, I made my way down to the Warp near the Starting Screen (obtaining some hearts and therefore my Sword Beam). According to my map, the Graveyard (or, the Warp NEAR the Graveyard) is the middle staircase in this Warp. Through the areas I go, avoiding the flying hat and the many gravestones, until I reach the top-left corner screen of the grey area that is the Graveyard. Pushing away the gravestone diagonally from the top-left corner gravestone away and delving into the dark cave beneath.

Walking towards the surprisingly alive Old Man in the grave, the man holding the Magical Sword...

DUHN DAH DAH DUH DAH DAH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

The Magical Sword is miiiiiiiiiiine! The strongest, most POWERFUL sword is mine to wield, control and cut people up with! Tomorrow I can TOTALLY BITCH SLAP Lizard Dungeon and take those Blue Knights on. Watch out, you slimy little gits! THE LEGENDARY SEAN IS COMING!

Progress:

Hearts:   12

Rupies:   54

Bombs:    6

Keys:     2

Items:    MAGICAL SWORD, MAGIC SHIELD, MAGIC BOOMERANG, BOW+ARROW, BLUE CANDLE, BOMBS(6), RAFT, STEPLADDER, RED POTION, RED BRACELET, BLUE RING

Dungeons: EAGLE(1), MOON(2), MANJI(3), SNAKE(4)

Deaths:   53

P.S: I've put up those 'incentives' on my Twitter. I said I'd put them up if people helped me, but that's just lazy and douchey. So there they are, a Kingdom Hearts parody poster of Scott Pilgrim, and a sprite comic about Entei being roommates with a Wooper. They're shit, but feel free to behold them if you so wish.

P.P.S: This post has the most number of screencaps out of any previous one: 13. It's important somehow.

Mass Exploration

OH. MY. GOD. It's been DAAAAAYS since I last played or even POSTED here! My delay is explainable: Christmas. Yeah, that's all I need as an excuse. Christmas shopping, decorating the house, making a full 21-page epic comic about a LARPG for an awesome friend, I've unfortunately let everything else slip. Well, I'm here to apologize, play Zelda and bake cake. AND I'M ALL OUT OF FLOUR.

Oh, and my parents' fighting is quelling slightly, even if the occasional fight is about something seemingly insignificant, for those who care. If you do, many thanks. If you don't, it's okay. It just means you're heartless and nobody will ever love you.

So, in accordance with my last post, I'm abandoning Snake Dungeon for a while to scour the land. I'm looking in as many caves as possible and burning bushes on every screen. I explored East, hugging the side of the Ocean and eventually found a cave on what I'm calling a beach. Inside was a shield, bomb and arrow for sale, so no help. Meh, I marked it on the map anyway.

Further North on the beach was a HEART CONTAINER OMG! It was on a platform on the ocean! AND I HAVE A STEPLADDER! Die, MONSTERS! I'm getting MORE HEALTH! HELLS YEAH! Further along, there was a raft taking me to a dungeon! I wanted to check which one it was so I could visit it later, but it turned out it was just an old man. OFFERING ME ANOTHER HEART! Another choice was a Potion, but I've got a feeling I won't get this offering again. SO A HEART IT IS! THAT'S ANOTHER 2 HEARTS I HAVE! (to be honest, I checked back inside the room and sure enough, the old man's gone)

There are still a few more caves (and a dungeon, I'll check that one too) around the north-west of Hyrule, so let's PUSH ON!
One was another shop, stocking a shield, key and Blue Candle (so useless), another was an old man who apparently distrusts the postal service (he gave me a letter to an Old Woman, lucky I know where one is (remember an older post?)), and the Dungeon was... actually a Money Making Game (I lost 10 Rupies, then gained 20). Also, does anyone remember the Trap screen I complained about? I tried again, taking the advice of the old man I met a while back and just kept going up. After about 5 times, it worked! I found another Dungeon (turning out to be Number 5)! Marked for later.

So, the nearby forest is about to be examined. There are some suspicious-looking bushes that need to be either burned or bombed. As soon as I enter the forest, there's some Moblins and statues. The Moblins die and one of the statues reveals a staircase! Inside, a Moblin utters another famous phrase:
"IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY." Then he gives me 30 Rupies! YAY MOBLIN! A bit deeper into the forest shows 2 lonely statues in a clearing, so there HAS to be something. And sure enough, one reveals another staircase! WITH ANOTHER MOBLIN! 10 Rupies, thank you!

On my map I can see another cave just south of the clearing, and (after fighting more Moblins) it is revealed to be... ANOTHER BLOODY SHOP WITH ANOTHER BLOODY SHIELD, KEY AND CANDLE. URGH I'm sick of them useless shops. I HAVE A SPARE KEY ANYWAY. There's one last bush I think should be burnt, a singular one blocking a single-tile 'corridoor' at it's mouth. I MUST INVESTIGATE. Sure enough, it burns down and reveals... 0.0 DUNGEON EIGHT. WHAT THE HELL. I MEAN AWESOME. BUT STILL. LOL! I found the eighth dungeon, supposedly one of the best-hidden dungeons in the game, looking for friendly Moblins. It's like that awkward moment in parody clips when a money collector stumbles upon a huge conspiracy that's totally irrelevant to the story (which he then ignores completely moments later).

"WELCOME TO THE EIGTH DUNGEON, MORTAL! YOU SHALL FACE UNIMAGI-"
"Hi, are you friendly?"
"... WHAT?"
"Can I have some money?"
"... HOW DID YOU FIND THIS PLACE?"
"Oh, I'm looking for Moblins willing to donate to the Help Link Not Die Foundation!"
"... AND YOU LOOKED UNDER THAT PARTICULAR BUSH WHY?"
"It looked pretty conspicuous, blocking that tiny path like that."
"OH. WELL, THEN... YOU HERE TO FACE THE BOSS?"
"Nah, I'm good. Can I have some money?"

And after that long haul, I died. By an octopus. On land. Well, fuck. Meh, 2 Hearts, a Hidden Dungeon, a total of 50 Rupies and a bunch of 'secret' caves revealed to be shitty shops. And some old man gave me a letter. NOT BAD WITH ONE LIFE, BI-ATCH! I wish Gleeock was this easy to kill...

Please excuse me, I have to take a shower.

...

Okay, I'm back. Now I have two choices: One, go back to Snake Dungeon and try again, or, OR, explore the West in a similar fashion as the last 6 or so paragraphs. Hmm... I found some nifty things last time I explored, and I'm not in the mood for Gleeock again (my sword is puny). MAYBE I'll find something COOL, like another sword, or more money, OR MORE HEARTS! I'm convinced! EXPLORATION TIME!

On my way West, I came across the cave with the Old Woman inside. Remembering my Super Special Letter, I hand it over... NOW SHE SELLS POTIONS! HELLZ YEAH! I knew there was some way to get them! Okay, I can either buy 1 for 40 or 2 for 68... that's a decent deal, 12 Rupies off, so I get the Red one. NOW I CAN GET HEALTH! Although I know there's a Fairy Fountain somewhere here, so I won't have to use the Potion until I face Gleeock again.

I travel west many screens, ending up in what appears to be a Corner of the World (that's what I'm calling them now) with another cave. Inside is another Advice Lady, offering advice. I pay her 10 Rupies and the bitch tells me it isn't enough. BUT TAKES IT ANYWAY! Where's the Bitch-Slap button? Screw her, there's a graveyard to the North. Investigating, however, I find myself in a trap. Oh dear. I can only go east, leaving the trap. Looking at my map, I could go AROUND the whole way, it would take a while but I'd get there. There's also another Dungeon there, which I'd like to check out (maybe it's 6 or 7, the only 2 dungeons I need to uncover (I don't count 9 as a Dungeon, more of an Epic)).

Alas, this is a story for another day. On the path, I see many Statues. I also see that the only way I can get there is by crossing the River that flows from the Waterfall to Lake Hylia, and even an unexplored Cave. Someone told me online that the huge number of Statues is important, but the more interesting thing is that I was complaining about the lack of Warp rooms I've found. THIS MEANS THE SECRET IS THERE! I can find the secret, I know I can!

And that's all for today. Lay-taz!

Progress:

Hearts:   8

Rupies:   59

Bombs:    7

Keys:     1

Items:    WHITE SWORD, MAGIC SHIELD, MAGIC BOOMERANG, BOW, ARROW, BLUE CANDLE, BOMBS(6), RAFT, STEPLADDER, RED POTION

Dungeons: EAGLE(1), MOON(2), MANJI(3)

Deaths:   36