So, in light of this, so that you readers don't have to read about me getting my ass kicked EVERY SINGLE DAY, I found myself a map online that gives information on Heart locations based on screen coordinates alone. This means that I now know which screen each of the 3 last Overworld hearts are, but not their exact locations or how to find them. This makes it infinitely less annoying, but still pretty frustrating. It's also a lot easier on you, the readers, rather than reading about me being a clueless douche. Now, you can read about me being a CHEATING douche, which is better but still shitty. Meh, I'm a douche either way. So I say DEAL WITH IT.
Basically, the map I found is in text form. It has a grid with 3-letter notes in each grid square, 5 squares have the note 'HC' in them, meaning Heart Container. Comparing this to my full-printed map, and using the letter/number coordinates on the text map (M3, P3, H5, P6 and L8), the screens where the 5 Overworld hearts are revealed. Then, crossing out the screens where I've already found 2 hearts (apparently P3 and P6), I have my 3 screens: H5, M3 and L8. Today, I'm trekking across the world for these screens, and using EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW to find the Hearts. First of all, L8 (closest to the Starting Screen at only 4 screens East).
From the start to the East, 4 screens along, I come here:
The only possible hiding-places are in the walls. Fantastic. This means BOMBS. For those who remember, I DESPISE anything that requires bombs, because if you get it wrong, you've wasted an explosive. Luckily there's a shop that sells bombs 3 screens north and 2 screens west. I managed to get there whilst GAINING health, believe it or not (ignore the fact there was a Fairy Fountain on the way, I found 2 fairies from enemies before I reached it) and had a little over 20 Rupies to buy bombs. Only 4 though, so I'd better be pretty fucking lucky when I bomb these walls.
On the way back at the supposed hiding place of the 3rd Heart, one of the evil blue Santas gave me another set of bombs! I now have 8, more than enough to assault the perfectly horizontal walls lining the screen! I do, however, need to kill the disgustingly annoying Zora that hands around... that is, until one of the red sand things gives me a Magic Clock and the bastard is frozen underwater!
Bombing the walls. This is the tricky part. To save bombs, I'm trying to bomb the border between each tile of wall. The first two don't reveal anything, but the THIRD TILE from the left reveals a cave!!
(I actually pride myself on this screencap, with the flashing of the Magic Clock effect I still managed to catch Link's normal color)
Inside, an old man gives me a choice. A Red Potion or a Heart Container. OH NOES, SUCH A CHOICE! THE RED POTION GUARANTEES ME TWO HEALTH REFILLS, BUT THE HEART PERMANENTLY INCREASES MY-wait, thats fucking easy!
NEW HEART!!
Onto M3, 5 screens North and 1 East from here. I can go straight north without getting through any obstacles, so this shouldn't be too hard. On the way I refilled my bomb supply from a passing blue Santa and got hurt by a Tektite (bitch). Now that I'm here, I can asses the situation.
There are 38 squares where the cave could be. 3 next to the stairs, another 8 on the other side, 5 on the sides of that chunk of wall in the top corner, 6 on the top and bottom of the block in the middle, and 11 on the lower wall. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Well, the chunk in the middle is pretty conspicuous, and rooms you have to enter from the top only are sort of rare (at least I haven't found one yet), so the bottom of the chunk is the first place to look. Then the top, then the upper wall and the bottom wall. THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE SO MANY FUCKING BOMBS.
I can hit all 4 tiles with two bombs, one between the first two tiles and one between the last tw-FUCKING WIN!!!
FUCK YEAH, HEART CONTAINER CAVE!! TYSM, Old Man!
And now, the final Heart. H3. One screen below Dungeon 1. 4 screens West, 2 screens South and 1 West again. Avoiding Desert leeches, flying hats and octoroks (as well as those FUCKING Zoras), I run. And run. And arrive. Sweet! And the Zora appears at the shore, making it easy for my Sword Beam to totally fuck him up. DEATH AWAITS THEE, O WATERY BITCH.
So here I am. The screen of the Final Heart Container. And the only place it could possibly be is under one of those trees. Which I have to burn. ONE. AT. A. TIME. Dammit.
Starting from the side I came on, I begin to burn. One at a time, they don't reveal anything. And that FUCKING ZORA respawns whenever you re-enter the screen, so fuck him with a rusty dildo. One, two, three, four, FIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! FIVE! THERE IT IS!!
Inside, another pointless choice. Inside, another heart. INSIDE, THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE HEALTH I COULD BE AT THIS POINT IN THE GAME!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem* Right. Now that I've got all my hearts, I'm off to check the Graveyard. Remember the sword that I found in the graveyard but couldn't get? The one where I found out I needed 12 Hearts to weild? WELL 9 PLUS 3 EQUALS 12 SO FUCK YEAH!
*ahem, again* From the Lake, I made my way down to the Warp near the Starting Screen (obtaining some hearts and therefore my Sword Beam). According to my map, the Graveyard (or, the Warp NEAR the Graveyard) is the middle staircase in this Warp. Through the areas I go, avoiding the flying hat and the many gravestones, until I reach the top-left corner screen of the grey area that is the Graveyard. Pushing away the gravestone diagonally from the top-left corner gravestone away and delving into the dark cave beneath.
Walking towards the surprisingly alive Old Man in the grave, the man holding the Magical Sword...
DUHN DAH DAH DUH DAH DAH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
The Magical Sword is miiiiiiiiiiine! The strongest, most POWERFUL sword is mine to wield, control and cut people up with! Tomorrow I can TOTALLY BITCH SLAP Lizard Dungeon and take those Blue Knights on. Watch out, you slimy little gits! THE LEGENDARY SEAN IS COMING!
Progress:
Hearts: 12
Rupies: 54
Bombs: 6
Keys: 2
Items: MAGICAL SWORD, MAGIC SHIELD, MAGIC BOOMERANG, BOW+ARROW, BLUE CANDLE, BOMBS(6), RAFT, STEPLADDER, RED POTION, RED BRACELET, BLUE RING
Dungeons: EAGLE(1), MOON(2), MANJI(3), SNAKE(4)
Deaths: 53
P.S: I've put up those 'incentives' on my Twitter. I said I'd put them up if people helped me, but that's just lazy and douchey. So there they are, a Kingdom Hearts parody poster of Scott Pilgrim, and a sprite comic about Entei being roommates with a Wooper. They're shit, but feel free to behold them if you so wish.
P.P.S: This post has the most number of screencaps out of any previous one: 13. It's important somehow.
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